Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
