I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i drank out of a bidet.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
