you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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