Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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