Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
