I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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