This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
