I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
