God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
