Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
