It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
