Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
