The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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