I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize