I am in a vortex of obligation.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
i drank out of a bidet.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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