Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
