I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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