i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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