I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
