What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
