the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
