I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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