So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
