I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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