i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
