I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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