Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Dicks are not precious.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
