i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
