You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
