she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Just high enough for therapy.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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