as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
