You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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