how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Cover your peen. We're going out.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize