I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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