I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
