if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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