dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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