I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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