My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
