i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
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