Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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