So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
