I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize