it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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