false alarm. still invincible.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize