Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
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