I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
