I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
