I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
