So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
