i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
