I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
