Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
