Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I fill condoms, not promises.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
