There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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