I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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