Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
